Sometimes there has got to be change...

After being depressed for quite a few months (and I am still), and talking to a lot of my friends and through pure stubbornness, there has got to be change. If something/someone isn't suiting you in your life, change it. You have to put your foot down to get anywhere in life. You hate your job? Quit. I hate my job with a passion, I hate being treated like a slave (Never work in food service).

It looks like fun until you have to
remake the sundae 3 times and get
a two dollar tip.

People come in, and just because it's your job to serve them, they think they own you. You treat a person like gold, they leave you two dollar tip on a $50 check. You should never have to work on the hopes they'll leave you a good tip, because it hardly ever happens. The money is NOT worth the aggravation, especially at the $2.83 an hour wage, where all your coworkers work for themselves and there is no such thing as team work no matter how much management thinks there is. Just remember, when you're split up in shifts, first shift does shit, which means they don't do anything really. It's a huge pain in the ass that you don't get out on your scheduled time because first shift didn't do something, or you run out of a popular item because first shift didn't make it. Relying on other people fucking sucks.

So, I am quitting. I am going to tell them to basically kiss my ass, though i'll be thinking it, not saying it. That job has brought me down so much, I'm surprised I haven't fully just crumpled up in a corner and gone comatose. I like the interaction with some people, it gets me out of my house, but it's just not worth it to me anymore. I'm just going to quit, and focus on school work and focus on being a young adult for once. I never go out and do anything, I hardly go visit my friends, and I never had a rebellious stage when I turned 18. I think it's finally starting to catch up with me. Every person needs a rebellious stage, as long as they don't get out of hand with it, in my opinion. It gets out all your energy and stuff before you have to focus on being an adult.

I only have a hand full of friends in my immediate area that I hardly ever get to see, all my other friends are two hours or more away from me. Which always leaves me feeling lonely because I lack real human contact, just the internet or texting, which lacks quite a bit. This also goes for my significant other who I only see maybe once in two or three months. So when I actually get to see his face, or hear his voice it's almost like heaven to me. Seeing people makes the loneliness go away for a little bit, which is the best feeling in the world. But being alone for so long, also takes a toll on mental health. So, so far I've had two very big issues weighing down on my mind, no wonder it feels like it's going to break. If you have friends, smile, and never take them for granted, when you graduate they may be all you have.

Did I also mention the insomnia?

Just like the commercials about depression medicine, it does affect you and the people around you. People have not been speaking with me, I don't enjoy doing the little things I once did. And, my friend even told me I have become very cynical. My passive-agressiveness has probably gotten worse as well, and frankly, I just haven't really been giving a damn about anything in my life. I always expect myself to come last in peoples lives, and everything. I feel unimportant, like I am not worth anyones time. It's a horrible way to feel, but it's how I feel. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. I am always fatigued, I'm always mopey, to be honest, I cry most nights because, I feel helpless. No, I am not an emo, it's just that I really feel this way, and I believe I really do have a problem. Which, after evaluating myself, and getting sick of this shit, I am willing to try and fix it. I may need help from my doctor, but for the most part I am going to try and fix myself. The stuff causing me to feel this way, can be put to rest if I try hard enough. And dammit, I am willing to try.

I will NOT be treated like a slave, I will NOT come last in peoples lives; I should be treated like everything else. I will NOT let this get the better of me.

I WILL feel the joy of life again, I WILL not be depressed anymore, and I WILL let people know what I feel and tell them that I deserve stuff to happen to/for me for a change. I also deserve to not be ignored, especially when I can't control my moods.

Fuck you depression, Fuck you low self-esteem, and fuck you people who think your waitresses are slaves.

Thank you for reading, though!!